V,
You look so sad, and I am so terribly sorry. I was excited to see you back here by my side, I was longing for your presence so much. I was feeling so lost in your absence. Days had no beginning and no end. Taking care of myself when I am alone has become so difficult. I have grown so accostumed to you, so reliant on your strength and your hope. Tradegy did a number on us. Tomorrow it will be two months since this all began. I suppose that being apart and broken, the both of us, has started to creep into my bones.
We humans are extraordinarily adaptable. Given time, any environment will become part of one's soul. And maybe two months is enough to start feeling the deeper touch of what this kind of dissonance can do to two souls who do indeed love each other. I start feeling those more carefree times slipping into memory's territory, no longer being part of us. Those times, where we would be content from just laying next to each other. When fights would last at most a day if they were bad. Where we understood each other's joy, each other's moodyness. Each other's love. I miss that so much.
It has been more than I week that I feel you no longer speak to me. It began by you not answering my text messages, when we were still physically apart. Now I see you, but you seem to see through me. I feel like a ghost. Like I am watching you in our apartment, alone. Alone and so sad. And me, so terribly and deeply alone too.
All in all, it is perfectly understandable. I do know that what you have gone thorugh has been extremely painful. We have already spoken much about how it has been a terribly painful experience for both of us. I know that coming back here, leaving what you where doing back there, is not easy for you. I just wish we could do this together. I just wish you could feel how much I am here for you. I just wish I could do something about this. I just wish I could speak up. Ask you to let me in, again. But I do feel so invisible. I am terrified of catching your attention and saying the wrong thing. I know you are not mad at me, not exactly. And I am trying my best to keep the inevitable thoughts that haunt me every time something like this arises. The thoughts that I must have done something to deserve your silence. The thoughts that have made me so prone to make these things about myself.
I promise, my love, that I will not make this about myself. I will gather my strength and I will materialize again beside you.
- M