V,
It has been a little easier today. At least you have spoken to me. I can still feel a hint of hostility in any interaction. I saw glimmer of pleasure passing through your face when you mention going away again in April. Pleasure at the fact of telling me this, on letting me know that there is something more important for you to be doing. A more important place to be in. Pleasure that the fact that you are going away again so soon might hurt me. I wouldn't mention it to you, of course. I know how plausible deniability works.
At least it is talking. At least it does ackowledge my existence. At least it makes me think that maybe, just maybe, I am exaggerating. Victim again of living so much inside my own head.
I must admit I have lost my cool internally a couple of times when I have attempted to reach out and have been met with harshness. I do long for the tenderness we used to share. And I feel a little more hopeful we will eventually get there than I did yesterday. Maybe I am just exaggerating, yes. You are getting used to this again. Above all, I have managed to keep the fact that I promised you infinite patience on the most beautiful day of my life close to my mind and my heart today. May that promise be always a cane for me to support myself when my own intensity strives to come out and meet yours.
I love you. No matter what happens at any given moment, that is the purest truth I hold.
- M