V,
Yesterday we went on for a trip. It was your idea, because you thought it would help us talk. It didn't, much, but I think it was useful nevertheless. Useful, but as I told you in the moment, it made me much sadder than I already was. There is much I want to write about yesterday, and I don't think I will do it all today. I will start today with the thing that shocked me the most, the thing I am still feeling, when the memories of yesterday cross my mind, like a cold dagger slicing through my soul.
Up until yesterday, I think I hadn't been able to really face your sadness. I know it has been obvious and evident. But my love, I had always seen you as such a happy person. Such a source of joy. Yesterday I cried and cried, as the memories of your laughter, of you, dancing, singing, radiant, were played in my mind's eye. As I expereinced how far away that felt in that moment, I missed you so profundly. And I went deeper into that feeling, and felt myself facing ever more intently into the darkest abyss I have looked into for a long time. I faced your sadness as it is. Deep, real. Painful.
I looked at you, saw your face, wet with tears. Saw so much sadness there that it took my breath away. Saw you feeling so lost, and so far away. But so there, with me at the same time. So alone, both of us, but right next to each other. And I couldn´t stop looking, because in that face, in those eyes, I finally saw the true nature of your feelings. Something that I really needed to see and take in and understand, no matter how painful. Something I really needed to understand, because without it, I would have kept drifting away, lost in my denial of your suffering. Shielding myself from all the pain I am now feeling. The pain it causes me to see you suffer. You, the love of my life, the soul I want to see happy, smiling, dancing, singing.
I will always remember this moment. You, so sad and so gorgeous, against the breathtaking winter scenery. That beatiful, cold, winter sunny day that served as a setting for what felt like one of the most important, and painful moments in my life. I know you are still hurt, and I still need to write more about that. About how hurt you feel towards me. But yesterday, I think, changed everything. I feel a little more enlightened. I feel I have been aligned, painfully alaigned, to a higher truth and understanding of you. Of the true way you feel. I feel I am finally suffering what I needed to suffer to be able to do so with you.
- M