V,
Well, last night was bad. I am so sorry, I never intended to raise my voice. It is true that I did not even notice when I essentially started shouting. I was not shouting at you, I was not trying to berate you. I know there is nothing that can justify acting this way. I am just so frustrated. It is so alien to have this terrible feeling, this lingering sensation that it is true that you don´t love me anymore. That it is true that what happened these last two months really was our undoing.
And you said it, last night, that you don't know if you love me. That you don't know if you love yourself. That sometimes you love C. That you love yor family. And that's the point of all this guilt that is destroying my soul, right now. I do not want to keep you here, when it is so clear to me that you need to be around your family. This terrible guilt of bringining you here with me, now with the certainty that this was bound to happen and that we should have never left.
And you say you will not leave. And I don't understand why. Is it that yo intend to sabbotage us further by forcing us to not undo the decisions that brought us here? Is it something that I deserve? Because I casted you away from your parents to another part of the world? I am trying to rendeem myself, somehow. And it just pains me to feel that it may be too late. And even if we get back to cordiality, you will still resent me forever for this.
For the moment I will try to just dwell in thoughts about how inadequate my behavior is if I can end up shouting, no matter how frustrated or sad I am. In a way, I suspected that this was going to happen. That the situation was going to somehow lead me to the edge and topple me over. Because I can already recognize these maladptive patterns in our relationship. How we can stay quiet for days, wile our thoughts rotten inside us, but we end up needing the confrontation, the ugly confrontation, to move past that. Maybe this is the start of rebuilding something. But it is so wrong, V. I don't want this need for shouting and verbal violence. I don't even know how to do my part to end that. To move past that. If there is even a chance that even matters anymore.
- M